Game 20: James Garfield vs. Super Bowl XX

We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you.
We're so bad we know we're good.
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would.
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone.
We're not here to start no trouble.
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.

The American music scene in 1985 was not good. Stop me when I get to one of 1985's top songs that you ever want to hear again. Careless Whisper. Like a Virgin. I Want to Know What Love Is. Out of Touch. Crazy For You. Easy Lover. Can't Fight This Feeling. Saving All My Love For You. Wake Me Up Before You Go Go. The Power of Love. You're the Inspiration. Right, it just gets worse. The members of the 1985 Chicago Bears who put on pads and game tights to record a video for Super Bowl Shuffle probably figured, look, how bad could it be? We couldn't possibly make something as soul-draining as We Built This City or The Heat is On. Well, they were wrong. In retrospect, the only plausible explanation is that the 1985 Bears were so confident about what they could do on the football field, they just didn't care what they looked like anywhere else.

The Bears went 15-1 during the regular season. They didn't allow a single point in either the divisional playoff or the NFC Championship game. Their defense was paced by nails-tough linebacker Mike Singletary and a 300-pound rookie defensive tackle named simply The Refrigerator. The offense was driven by sassy QB Jim McMahon and Hall of Fame RB Walter Payton. Nobody even knows who was on the Patriots. The Pats scored first in Super Bowl XX, but very quickly after that the game was gone. The Bears led 23-3 at the half and outscored New England 21-0 in the 3rd quarter, the last of those TDs on a 1-yard run by the Fridge himself. The game ended 46-10. There is something to be said for utter dominance, and also (in retrospect) for anything that humbles the Patriots. But this game was like a movie with interesting characters and a horrible script. You know, like Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones.

James Garfield was in office for a total of six months in 1881. As a Congressman before the Civil War, he wanted to free the slaves and confiscate slave-owners' estates. As president he made mistakes -- there was questionable money he took for backing a certain government contract -- but he was thoughtful. His big issue was money, that to be legitimate it needed to be tied to gold and not just printed up on whatever scrap paper the U.S. Mint had lying around. Then a disgruntled office seeker shot him. Hey, nobody's putting Garfield in the Hall of Fame. But all he really had to do was make it past the part where he swore "to the best of my abilities" to beat this dud of a Super Bowl game.

Score after this match: Presidents 12, Super Bowls 8.

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